this place already feels too much like home. this air of familiarity overwhelms me. home is stagnant. everything at home stands still. there is no action in home. this tick, this itch creeps up on my feet. i have to go. i can't stay in here. this place should be an escape from the chaos. i don't put myself into chaos though... there is no refuge...there is nothing. a subtle hint of the outside world creeps in through my windows. only the wind shaking the panes of glass reminds me to breathe. the light fighting against the fabric of the curtains reminds me there is warmth. i can't stay in here. a small panic at the thought of the last place i see will be within these walls. the ceiling will close in on me crushing the last images of dreams in my head. intangible action. the only walls confining me inside are the ones i've built within my own mind.

location: 260-3

all moved in to my new apartment. come visit. i might even take you for a spin in my new car. :)

the apartment is mine. i started moving some random boxes in tonight. but i'm just so tired. tomorrow will be filled with moving. please help!

tomorrow is also one year since papa red passed. i can't believe it's been that long already.

i hope i have someone to steal internets from. if not, it will be a while til i'm back on here. i don't like paying for things. haha.

stop by my new place anytime!
260 w. Jefferson apt. 3!

location: 308, but not for long! mood: exhausted music: STP-plush

i have a place to live. i'm quite excited about it. it's small and will be adorable once i get settled in. feel free to get me some housewarming presents. :) jk. i'll have to start saving my quarters so i can do laundry. though, don't put it past me to drive all the way out to merrillville to do it at my dad's apartment for free, plus have a tv to watch. ha.

i think it will be good for me to have a place of my own. i'm excited and scared all at the same time. i'll hopefully be able to move in after christmas. i'm sure i'll be lonely, so you best come visit me. we'll have tea.

i'm going to teach myself how to knit. i don't know why i want to learn so bad, but i really do. i think it's cause i want more hats. a girl can never have too many hats. and also to make knitted underpants for other people. haha. :)

we have the same conversations over and over again. nothing gets resolved. neither one of us will change. neither one of us should change. i don't know if it's time to just let you go or not. i don't want to, but it may have to be done.

i'm actually writing out christmas cards this year. expect one. if i don't have your address and you want one, send it to me and you'll get one! :)

location: 308 mood: thoughtful

i really do not want to start packing my life into boxes. again. i need to get a start on it asap, but i just can't motivate myself to do it.


and i have no idea. at all. i'm just going with the flow at this point.


i might as well just go back to sleep.

my fortune cookie fortune today

"if you love something, set it free...if it returns, keep it and love it forever."


sigh.

location: 308 mood: unrequited

it's always all at the same time. never just one thing at a time.


i feel like i haven't seen anything. i haven't done anything in my life. like i'm still waiting for something to come along and whisk me off. i want to see the country. i want to see the oceans. mountains. i want to be able to do this on my own. i want to be able to just go. pack up whenever i feel like it and move. just go. i'm looking for something. i don't know what that is though. i want to find it. maybe i never will. i'll always have this discontent in my heart. maybe one day something will just click in my brain.


i wish i wasn't so afraid of life.

Someone take me home!

HELP! i found a white male kitten with blue eyes that i can't keep! if you know someone or are willing to take it yourself, please let me know asap!

i should probably be on some sort of medication for this anxiety. today i just can't seem to eat. i want to, i'm hungry. but the thought of putting food into my mouth, chewing and swallowing makes me want to vomit. my heart feels like it's racing. it's not though. a slight tightness in my chest. i'm thinking the worst possible things i can right now, and it's not helping.

i don't know what it is that i want. i don't know what i want out of this. i can't explain how i feel. i keep going back and forth. one minute, it's great. the next, i want to run away.

i need adventure. i need to embrace the world.

mood: distressed

i think i need to find god. or something equivalent. i feel as if something is missing in my life, but i don't know what that is. i think maybe it's something that i won't know i was missing it until i find it.

i've never been religious, but i've always found religion to be fascinating. it's so interesting to see how everyone interprets religious writings in their own way.

i don't want to be "saved" or converted, i just want to be educated. i want to learn as much as i can about all the different religious theories. i want to know your ideas on god. i don't want to make anyone question their own beliefs, but i want to ask questions.

we should sit down, have a cup of coffee and talk. anyone interested?

location: 308 mood: curious music: dustin kensrue

i wish i could be creative again.
i wish i didn't have this anxiety eating away at my stomach.
i wish i could fall asleep on that blue striped towel like dharma can.

i think if i were a cat i'd be much like dharma. so freakishly cute yet highly obnoxious at times.

this past week has been entirely beyond words. i've gone out and met people. i don't do that. i'm shy and weird. the people that i've been meeting are just so...cool. i have enjoyed every second spent with them and i do hope i get to spend more seconds with them.

sometimes i think it would be nice if i knew what i want to do with my life. or where i want to go. i know i want to go places, i want to see things. i want to feel. it seems the only thing i feel is this nauseating nervousness in the pit of my stomach. it would be nice to eat and finish my meal. would be nice to eat and not feel like after the first bite i'm going to puke everything back up. i want to take an epic road trip.

side note: if you dress as marilyn monroe for halloween, you'll have plenty of drinks bought for you.

i really did wish i knew what was going on. i'm confusing myself.

i should have gone about things differently.

location: 308 mood: restless music: inevitable-anberlin

so here i am, once more, single. i'm actually pretty cool with it. most selfish person i've ever met. that's for sure. but, there were parts that were good and some that i'll miss. but for the most part, i'm ready to move on with my life. like to indy. i'm saving up some money, and within the next six to eight months i'm moving down there. i'll have to find a job, and maybe i'll go back to school. who knows. i don't know where life is taking me but for right now, i'm just going to let it run its own way.

dharma cuddles with me every night. she sleeps right next to me, it's the sweetest thing. i love her so much.

i have a semi formal to go to tomorrow night. i'm actually pretty excited. also, thanks rachel, otherwise i wouldn't have anything to wear and i'm too poor to buy anything. haha.

i'm really excited to see hornyak tomorrow. i heart him.

also, the sosnowskis are in town, which is pretty sweet.

must find the man that wears the cardigans. and hats.

really bummed that i couldn't go to chicago tonight. hopefully sometime soon. i miss grace.

location: 308 mood: calm

next chapter, please.

location: 308 mood: distressed